I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
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Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
mmm onion ringos
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?