I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Cucumbers Anonymous
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now