I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
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kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
IT’S-A ME,
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.