A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
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My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
S O O N
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”