If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
You Might Also Like
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.