“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
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murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.