I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
You Might Also Like
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Become ungovernable.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
my proudest tweet
emergency phone
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body