I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
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When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
So we got a goldfish…
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
wish me luck lads
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t