I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
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No YOUR a grammar nazi!
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
This is me
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up