I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk