@envydatropic: I'll bring a knife to a knife fight because I have common sense. Idiots.
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@causticbob: Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.
@michaelianblack: Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I'm never like, "Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?"
@nbadag: [the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent] ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles