My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Straight people are cancelled
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person