@envydatropic: I'll bring a knife to a knife fight because I have common sense. Idiots.
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@seriouslyemily: I like my men like I like my packets of instant oatmeal: Chunky and knowledgeable with facts about dinosaurs."
@yungsweater: Bro do you even-- Bro I do. *eyes begin to tear up* *fist bumping until the sun rises*
@ericsshadow: "Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn't have stolen all your jewelry."
@siddharth3: Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret