6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
You Might Also Like
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
mechanics be like
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house