I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
You Might Also Like
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Fight
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.