@_correctomundo: I'll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
@FknVancouver: My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I'm starting to think he borrows it while I'm asleep
@Home_Halfway: INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills? ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying 'Decent'*
@HotlinkStrahota: I think I'm gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.