I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
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I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
This hospital has everything
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
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