@VerifiedDrunk: I'll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus... See ya at the cemetery!
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@Flattliner: I'm introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
@hoops_Daddy: Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.
@jdforshort: Apparently it's frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym Who knew
@msdanifernandez: [dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend