@VerifiedDrunk: I'll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus... See ya at the cemetery!
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@michaelianblack: Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I'm never like, "Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?"
@SteveSuckington: [reading test results] "It looks like you're gonna be just fine" [nurse whispers in ear] "Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks" -Steve Harvey M.D.
@isabelzawtun: The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I'M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever