@VerifiedDrunk: I'll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus... See ya at the cemetery!
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@AnkCoupleTO: *first date* Me: Tell me more about you Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN'T STABBED ANYONE LATELY Me: *deletes Tinder* Let's get married!
@KeetPotato: cop: [bangs on door] "open up, its the police" me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] "two seconds"
@better_off_dad: It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
@jake_lach: Holy shit. I just realized this sales kid is treating me this way because he thinks I'm old