@VerifiedDrunk: I'll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus... See ya at the cemetery!
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@trojansauce: [being held back from my burning house by firemen] get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE
@Tmoney68: [Doctor's Office] Dr: I'm not going to candy-coat this.... Me: *misses bad results of test because I'm imagining a coat made of Skittles*
@NurseMurderer: If a party with all dudes is called a "sausage fest", I request that we start calling all girl parties "taco time".