@VerifiedDrunk: I'll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus... See ya at the cemetery!
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@ohen39: [meeting girlfriend's parents] her dad: we'll be seeing more of each other then? me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend
@rockymomax: PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we'll make up some time in the air [1 hr later] PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
@youcancallmesim: "She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it" - my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
@caribbeankris: I've kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it's like to raise an "ungrateful little prick"