I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
“HELP WITH CAT”
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet