“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
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Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling