I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
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I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Lunatics are gonna loon.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.