I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
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Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.