I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
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I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.