“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
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Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you