Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
You Might Also Like
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
12. I think about this all the damn time