I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
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My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.