i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
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brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*