Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
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It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.