Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I’M CRYINGGG
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
necessity is the mother of invention
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?