The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
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Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*