My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
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My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
❤️🦆
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.