My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
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This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Thursday
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future