Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
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There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.