there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire