“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
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really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago