I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
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It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.