I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.