I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
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[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
can you read it!!??
maan!
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.