I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
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Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.