I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
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Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
thank god the sign was there
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!