I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
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Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
anyone else like Italian cereal
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.