“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
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My favorite type of men is ramen.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Jesus Christ lmao
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.