@AwkwardCanBSexy: I'll race you to the bedroom, winner gets to pick the hole.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [on first date] Let me get that for you. *holds door open* "May I help you, sir?" Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
@ibid78: [my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell] BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with? ME: a kiss? B: don't do that
@causticbob: I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
@KelleysBreakRm: The reason I don't like Facebook's "memories" feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.