@AwkwardCanBSexy: I'll race you to the bedroom, winner gets to pick the hole.
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@Demented_Jokes: My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
@GoldenSpirals: Laughed hysterically and said "Oh yes, please do" after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
@Matt_the_1st: It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
@kcmoore51: 11: You know what would be really ironic? Me: No, what? 11: If someone died in their...living room. The Twitter is strong in this one.