Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]

Fred: MY DAUGHTER!

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

Does this dress make me look cat?

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.