I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
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my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
How do dragons blow out candles?
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…