Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
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I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*