@iLikeCatShirts: I'll sleep when I'm dead but also every night so I don't die.
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@MinedOvaMatter: If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don't have one. Carry on floating head selfie chick.
@HairyJew4Life: Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back? *3 hours later* Her: What are you talking about?
@danjan13: A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah's ark.
@Lakelandr: There's never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"