I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
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Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.