Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
*exercises sarcastically*
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath