I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
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CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
The prophecy is fulfilled
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies