I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
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We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)