saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
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[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
is this a threat
I saw nothing
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL