I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
You Might Also Like
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to