me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
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According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
need him
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.