I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
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I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Sounds like a bargain
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
It’s a gift
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.