I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
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‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
good morning
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My sex drive has a dui
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!